Since the end of World War II, things have been getting out of hand. That's why the need for super spies is undeniable. It's global calamity out there, and for a decade and a half, they've been keeping America blissfully unaware of the hard-boiled bad guys bent on global domination beyond its borders, safe in its suburban womb while the FBI and the CIA and the rest of America's alphabet soup of intelligence cower under their desks.
This report centers on a few of the elite. The following information is incredibly, seriously, extremely classified. When you are finished reading it, please print out this report and eat it.
The following file is a classified cavalcade of chicanery. This Lexicon of Loot– this Dictionary of Total Destruction– lists all of the rare and unique items available to you in Cold War: Clambake, The Game. Want to know when you might come across these badass beauties? Well, you will- when you play the game!
| Mind Melder |
| Get to know your enemy better than you might otherwise like and use his darkest secrets against him. It's fun to mind-rifle an unwilling victim. |
| Bad Luck Ray |
| Your target will be tripping over their shoes, slamming their fingers in doors, and making mistakes on their taxes in no time. This ray tips the odds in your favor by making sure nothing goes right for your rivals! |
| Smartini |
| This cocktail boosts your brainpower. Or at least you think it does. |
| Bra-Zooka |
| This bullet bra fires real bazooka shells. And take it from us, those puppies pack a wallop! |
| Buzz Saw Derby |
| When you can't get a table at the brown derby, it might be time to pull out this bad boy. It cuts through red tape, magic acts, other hats, snide remarks and snooty maître d's. Use with abandon. |
| Rocket Firing Bagpipes |
| What sicko thought of blowing air into a sheep's stomach to make music? Kinds makes the alteration enabling it to fire RPGs seem tame by comparison. |
| Flamethrowing Monkey |
| A monkey trained to use a violent weapon is always handy. Anyone want to make s'mores? |
| Laser Firing Camera |
| We just need a photo of you for our files... oopsi...wrong button! |
| SubKayak |
| Paddle, paddle, paddle! Dive, dive, dive! |
| Ho Blow |
| During your next intimate encounter, this ho blows you! Up. Blows you up. |
| Brain Plunger |
| A few pumps on the head with this device will remove any annoying blockages such as a concience, loyalty, or morals. Your guest will be perfectly willing to tell you everything. |
| Che Chupacabra |
| Well, it's actually just a guy in make-up but he really gets the locals stirred up. |
| Rectal Tool Kit |
| Sometimes you need special items and they can't be on your person. This handy gadget was created to pass everything but the most stringent pat down. If they look there you really need to rethink your plan. |
| Fascism Sucks! |
| This hefty tome will tell you how to stop tin hat dictators in their tracks before they make a big mess of things and everybody has to grouse about it for the next fifty years. |
| The Tingler |
| Sure it tingles... but then you're dead. |
| Thought Garbler |
| Garbut ix1plyk polkijuygt aservik gonerplod! |
| Hillbilly Defense Squad |
| Do I hear banjos? |
| Overfed Grackles |
| Their annoying shrieking and propensity to poo creates an excellent deterrent. |
