Smooth and Spreadable

Date Filed: Mar 29, 2010 at 5:30 PM

In both my personal and professional life, I always leave the back door open.  Wish I could say it was because I was a super spy.  The true reasoning is because you can never be too sure of a good thing.  I'm always looking out for every opportunity.  Never letting my guard down.  This time was a little different.  I check the back door of FROST and sure enough, it's open.  Jay, the back door guard, isn't there as he should be.  Moonshine has rounded everyone up.  Gotta move fast.

Into the mess hall, that's where I'll find everyone.  I needed to find a weapon and fast.  Neither Moonshine nor any of his goons saw me as I slipped into the kitchen.  Knives, spoons, forks, nothing looks good enough to frighten, let alone defeat. Then there, in all of it stainless steel glory, I saw it: the Cordless Blender Cutter.  The head chef is also a crafty gadgeteer.  This little beauty was one part cake batter blender, one part super slicer.  Who knows what spinning knives did for baking, but I knew it would serve me well.

I slammed the kitchen doors open, blades spinning, like a woman possessed.  Still wearing a clown outfit.  The other agents whooped and hollered as some goons opened fire to try and take me out.  It was Bruce Lee meets Sara Lee as I pureed the little toadies into minced meat.  Blood flew as I cut down the henchmen.  Some even ran in horror.  

I took cover as returning fire ripped through the air.  Unfortunately, agent Steve Openhire caught one in the neck.  I took one more deep breath and faced the gun-slingers who'd ventured too close.  I switched the blender to high and cut them where they stood.

Looking up from the carnage I saw a shadow dash through the door, but noticed the bomb had already been set!  I gotta stop it before it takes me and FROST out to lunch, dinner and early breakfast.  Martin gave me a wink as I cut him loose.  I needed all the help I could get on this one. He went to work and assured me it was OK.

There was only one thing left to do. I give chase after Moonshine and quickly corner the shadow.  Without a second thought I plunge my death blender into his gut. Gross, but effective.  I looked up, met his wide eyes.  It wasn't Moonshine. It was the one person I'd hoped to never see again - Bud McCort.  

"I... I didn't know." He gasps. "I was trying to help... my brother. Had to... had to stop him.  But he could... always run faster than me. So could you." His eyes roll back and he dies in my arms.  

Suddenly, this man who could chop trees with his bare hands was as limp as a kitten.  He was holding an ID badge... but it was Dick's. Blood congealed on his size 22s.  Oh god, what have I done?  I knew I shouldn't have let a man get in between me and my job. FROST is my life.

Moonshine was next.

Damn battery power. My blender whirred to a stop, useless as a pool table at a paraplegic center. I needed another weapon and fast. Barbara Jean's desk was close by.

Her desk was pretty tidy considering the number of cases she usually worked on.  But there it stood practically screaming for me to use it - the lipstick revolver.  Silent, attractive, deadly.

But what was this? My ID badge! And another classified ad circled in lipstick red.

My knees buckled. Palms sweated. Stomach turned.

Could I be reading this right?  After everything that has happened?  Now this?  A strange noise came from above.

Suddenly the roof crashed in.  I thought the whole building was going to cave to the sub-sub-basement.  The lipstick was knocked from my hand and my senses were dazed.  The dust was settling, and I needed to find the weapon before one of Moonshine's goons could take me out.

But it wasn't a goon, it was Flick.  Old faithful dropped in through the drop ceiling.  He was lucky he didn't catch a bullet from my lipstick cannon.  He dusts himself off and limps to me, takes in the blood.

"Moonshine?"

"McCort." I share the latest classified ad.

He turned whiter than the Caribbean sands.

He could only croak a few words: "Now what do we do?"

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